I'm going to get real, I've always been a girl in a relationship. Since high school, I've consistently been dating or seeing someone. I'm currently learning about human behavior so I'm very aware that there are underlying reasons for this. All part of the learning experience, eh? More recently, this is not the case; for the first time in my life I'm completely independent from romantic relationships. Something that I always thought would be scary AF but am realizing it's something I need right now. In this blog, I will talk about the amazing realizations I've had since being on my own.
A few weeks ago I went to Iceland for a week as a solo traveler. The week was life changing. For the first time in my life, I was able to experience true independence. Side note: if you've never been to Iceland, go! It's an amazing country with the most breathtaking scenery. Anyways, in addition to the amazing sites, I was able to make decisions based on my own wants and needs. I said yes to so many activities, I made friends, I stepped out of my comfort zone while also getting quality Molly time. I know that if I was seeing someone back home while on my trip, I wouldn't have allowed myself to experience what I did. No fault of anyone else's but my own.
My trip made me realize that I haven't been true to myself for years. Relationships and bonds take a lot of energy and because I'm a people pleaser I always put others feelings in front of my own, both partnerships and friendships. Since being back, I've realized I don't have the energy to continue the people pleasing game. Not to sound corny but this time is my time. While I finish grad school, I have this amazing opportunity to focus on myself, to explore NYC and other parts of the world on my terms. I can stay home and binge watch TV when I want or go out when I feel like it without having to juggle what someone else is expecting of me. I'm allowing myself to be more self serving which is something that is foreign to me.
Don't get me wrong, I still want to be a people pleaser, but if I'm not taking care of myself then I'm not truly going to be myself. What's the point of creating friendships and relationships if I'm not being myself and I'm constantly appeasing others? Sustainable, lasting relationships can't be created this way or at least it's not the way I want to have people in my life.
For all of my people pleasing friends or friends that are like me and constantly find themselves romantantcally tied to someone, I won't lie and tell you this has been the most comfortable time of my life. Some days are amazing and some days just suck. But rather than avoid my feelings, (which I'm a pro at), I welcome them, let them sit there in that moment and remind myself that the feeling is only temporary. I've been lucky enough to live with someone who I now consider one of my closest friends. We both give one another the freedom to feel their feelings while also providing support, love and a little bit of laughter to get each other out of a slump when needed. My cat Tubs also provides us a lot of laughter and cuddles so animals are always a good option too.
Being uncomfortable is all part of the learning experience. If we want to grow as individuals, we have to live in discomfort. It's in those moments that we grow and learn about ourselves. What has been the most uncomfortable 6 months of my life has also provided me the most clarity.
Just a girl writing down her thoughts on life post-trauma, body acceptance and wellness.