Letting Go of People Pleasing Tendencies

In my last blog I discussed how I am a people pleaser. I don’t know why or when this started but I have this want to be liked by everyone. Not to toot my own horn but I think I’m a nice person. I have a hard time understanding why someone wouldn’t like me. Hello ego! But really, I always try and find the good in people or understand why someone may be acting the way they are, trying to give others the benefit of the doubt. It’s easy for me to do this for others, but more often than not, it feels impossible to do this for myself.

Maybe it’s this idea of perfection or having a background in sports that led me to this “not good enough” mentality. For me, growing up playing sports made me highly competitive with myself. It’s something I still carry with me today just not as intensely. I catch myself in moments where I’m being hard on myself for things I’ve said or done.  I hate the idea that someone could have a negative view or think poorly of me. I’ve recognized that the feeling intensifies when it concerns people I’m close with.

I’ve recently been putting certain elements into play to steer away from my people pleasing mentality and become more in-tune with myself. Being honest with myself about where I am emotionally has been empowering and it’s something that I can implement into relationships with others. For example, the other week I made plans with a friend to go out on a Friday night. Thursday night hit and I was exhausted; I had worked 4 early mornings in a row and knew that I needed a night to myself at home. The old Molly would’ve pushed through because I hate being a flake. Rather than pushing through, I decided to text my friend and be honest. Obviously she didn’t care and when I think about it, if a friend had done the same I would’ve never thought twice about it. But flaking or changing plans is something I rarely do because it feels uncomfortable. Friends with anxiety may understand but keeping things as planned is my way of having control which makes me feel less anxious. I'm slowly learning that this is not how I want to continue functioning but that's for another blog. 

The story above is one small example of how I’ve been more honest with myself and others. Surprisingly, something that felt terrifying is actually giving me more comfort and less anxiety. Maybe because I’m being more honest with myself, it enables me to be more genuine. People pleasing doesn’t really bring out your natural self, at least not for me. I would tell myself and others that I had no dinner preference, didn’t care which show we went to see or which bar we went to in hopes of being easy, but in reality I always had an opinion and always will.

Understanding that this is how I operate is really just the start; I don't need to make drastic changes, just small actionable steps to get the ball rolling.