It's been almost a month since I wrote a blog - holy smokes! I wanted to write a blog and provide an update on what I've been up to for those of you who are interested. 

I've been so silent on the blog because for the past month I've been planning a move to NYC. We had been talking about moving back to New York since the summer, but just kept pushing off the date. We gave ourselves a month to get everything done. Thanks to my sister for the little extra push, we made a move date, booked a ticket, and everything just started to fall into place. 

While getting ready for our big move, my fiancé and I were on a run in the evening.  We saw a man off his bike, with a cute little puppy ahead of us. We started to run by and we asked if we could pet the puppy. To our surprise, the man said that the puppy wasn't his. There was no one in the area. It was just us, this man and a cute little puppy. The man explained he couldn't take the puppy home and call the ACC because he was on a bike and lived too far. Instead, we called my mom and had her come pick us up with the puppy. It was raining and cold out. This puppy had clearly been out in the rain for awhile. We came home and went through all of the motions. Called the ACC, posted on NextDoor, checked Craigslist daily, took him to a vet to see if he was chipped and no luck. The ACC said it sounded like an abandoned puppy based on the description and the fact that no one had already called for him. But to make sure, we checked back with the ACC to see if we had any bites on the report, but no one had.  The puppy had gotten so attached to us, we had gotten so attached to him, and no one claimed him so we took the little guy in. Now we were making a move across the country with all of our stuff, our cat and this new little pup. In case you didn't know, flying with animals is a lot of extra work!

Thankfully, the cat and dog (Tubs and Spuds) were able to make the trip with us and were beyond easy on the flight. After a delayed red eye with two animals, 10 checked bags and navigating a big car through NYC, I'm glad to say the hard part was over. 

And to end our big stressful move, we both ended up getting sick about 4 days after being in NYC. I definitely attribute it to stress, as well as consistently being on the go, while being jet lagged from an overnight flight. After a week of being sick, I'm finally starting to get better. 

So that's what I've been up to for the past month and a half, and is the reason I've been so quiet on my blog. But now that I'm settled, I'm excited to write again!

Stay tuned. :) 

If you saw my past post, Leaning into Fear, you know that I have been working on my anxiety. It wasn't an easy process, but I'm finally at a place where I rarely have anxiety attacks. That doesn't mean that my anxiety is gone for good, far from it. It just means that when those anxious thoughts creep into my head, I know how to handle them.

In my past anxiety blogs, I talked about the steps I take when I feel anxiety starting to set in. I had so many messages from people who struggle with anxiety, so I wanted to write another piece about the things I do to make me feel better when I'm feeling anxious.

These may not work for everyone, but I thought they would be worth sharing because it might help you think of some ideas. 

1.) Watching your favorite show
This is a  big one for me! I usually turn something lighthearted on that I know will make me laugh. Examples being, Friends, The Office or Parks and Recreation. I always find that doing this helps me stop focusing on the things I'm feeling anxious about. My anxiety is around death, so when I'm watching a funny show it really helps clear my head from those thoughts. 

2.) Working out
This one used to seem impossible for me, but I've done a much better job of getting myself moving when I'm feeling anxious. I've been running recently and I find it's a great way to clear my head. I usually start off my run feeling anxious, but as I keep running my head starts to clear, and I start to allow other thoughts to come in. Sometimes no thoughts come in at all which is great! This one can be tough getting out the door, but I always remind myself how much better I will feel when I get home.

3.) Take a nap
When anxiety kicks in, it really can be debilitating. So much so that you start feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. When I start feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, I try to take a nap. Even if it's just 15 minutes, I will just close my eyes and let me head rest. I always wake up from my nap feeling better. 

4.) Talk to someone
A few years ago, I would've never considered talking to someone. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but I always thought to myself, well I can figure it out on my own. Since I've started therapy, I've really learned that talking to someone is incredibly beneficial and it can be very powerful. Whether I'm talking about anxiety, or just what's going on in my life, I find it can be very therapeutic. You don't need to go to a therapist, you can find a coach (hi there!) or even just find a friend. You can't let that anxiety fester so try talking it out with someone.

These are just a few of my go-tos when I'm feeling anxious. Hopefully they help spark some ideas! And as always if you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.

UPDATED March 17th 
My accident caused some pretty unique scarring on my arm, on my leg and down my neck. My relationship with my scars has changed over the years. I used to really struggle with them. I would hide them whenever I had the chance and I would get upset if I saw people staring at them. At this point, my scars are just part of me. I have some days where I love them, some days where I feel weird when people stare at them, and most days I just forget they are there all together.

The only time I remember that my scars are there, is when I notice someone staring at them. This used to bother me, but now I just wish that person would ask what happened rather than stare. I can imagine they don't know how to approach the situation which is 100% normal. I understand the reasons for just looking and not asking but people with scars tend to notice when people stare. You know that phrase, my ears are burning, someone must be talking about me? It's literally the same thing; it's like I have a sense when my scars are being looked at. No joke!

I've been asked on my Instagram, how do you kindly ask someone what happened? This one is hard. Everyone has a different experience and journey. We all handle things differently. This blog is solely based on MY experiences with my scars. This may not work for everyone, and I don't intend for it to. But I thought it could be good to share my experiences. 

For me, when people are genuine when they ask,  I can feel that. Usually the question will start with do you mind if I asked what happened to your arm? Every time someone asks me, especially with that beginning I always say no I don't mind at all, thank you for asking. This helps make the person feel comfortable. It's important to note that this is an awkward situation for BOTH people. Usually the best response here is, wow I'm sorry to hear that happened, are you ok now? I've found that this is when I feel the most comfortable. Or sometimes if they don't ask if I'm ok at the end, I will just say no worries I'm fine now!

When someone genuinely asks about my scars, it makes me feel understood. That sense of understanding makes me feel like I belong. People that have new scarring or burns often can feel like they don't belong. I did. But why do we feel like we don't belong? I think that may be my next blog that I tackle.

Stay tuned.

It's been about 6 years since my car accident. Over the past few years, there are things I've regretted not doing after my accident. These are things I didn't even think about at the time, but now I'm kicking myself in the butt for not doing them. I wish someone had recommended doing these things, but I can understand why they didn't. As someone who has experienced trauma, come through it and is now better than ever, I want to talk about the things I wish I did. Who knows maybe it will inspire some of you to do the same!

Journal
I used to think journaling was a bit "dear diary" and never really gave it a chance. It reminded me of girls writing in their journals about boys at school so I always laughed it off. No one told me to write at the time of my accident and during my recovery, but I seriously wish they did. 

After my accident, I was on a lot of medication to help ease the pain. I obviously wouldn't have been able to journal at this point (it probably would've been drawings of unicorns or something), but I wish that when I was a bit more coherent I would've written down how I was doing.

Even though my brain was foggy at the time, I was still able to function. I remember things from the hospital, but just bits and pieces. I wish that I had written down what was going on in my head. It would be great to see how far I've come since then and read what I was thinking and feeling at the time. 

If you're reading this and thinking no way, I know that feeling. At the time after my accident,  I just felt like crap. I was already living post-trauma, I didn't want to write about it too. But my advice is really to write something down. It doesn't need to be every day, but I highly suggest writing a few days down. I'm telling you when you're a few years past your trauma, you will want to see the progress you've made! 

**My brain almost hurt from doing too much, so I can understand this may come up for some people. If you feel like you don't have the mental space to write things down yourself, ask someone to write down a few notes for you. My friend told me her dad wrote down what happened everyday during her trauma and I thought that was amazing. Parents, family, friends - if you're reading this and you know someone experiencing trauma but can't handle the writing - do it for them! **

Pictures
For me this was a HELL NO. If you follow me on Instagram, molly_o_shea, you probably have noticed that I post the same before scar photos of my neck and arm. Why? Because that's all I have! I have two photos of me with my scars when they were very red and raw. You can't see my face in the photos because I was so freaking embarrassed of them I didn't want my face to show. Then I have one picture of my neck scar. That's all thanks to my dad. I will never forget him saying you will want to show your kids one day. I'm sure I rolled my eyes but it's totally true. I'm proud of these scars now and I wish I had more!

Post-trauma isn't the most glamorous experience. Whether it's illness, an accident, an injury, or another internal trauma, we don't feel like ourselves. Taking a photo as someone that we can't identify with is hard.  Besides scar photos, I have a few photos with friends and family post accident, but not many. In most photos, I'm covering my scars because I didn't want them to be seen in pictures. I didn't like this new Molly, I didn't know who she was and I certainly wasn't comfortable with her.

When I look at these photos, where I can see my face and I'm showing my scars, I can see those feelings on my face. I can see how uncomfortable I look in the photo. I may look normal to people, but to me, I don't look like myself. At the time, I avoided these pictures like the plague and made sure I wasn't tagged in any photos on Facebook. But now, looking back through the photos, it's amazing the see the progress I've made. I've come so far with taking photos with my scars and I look more comfortable in my skin. 

It may not be easy at the time, but I'm telling you you will want photos to look back on. Take a few photos either on your own or with a group of people. If you don't want to look at them then don't! Just save them; in a few years you will be searching high and low in your email to find these photos! (Me this past week) 

I'm sure other things will come up over time, but I think this is worth sharing because I wish someone gave me this advice 6 years ago! I understand that these things may not work for everyone; we all have a different experiences. I'm just speaking on my personal experience and what I've learned during the process. 

Last week, I wrote a blog called Leaning into Fear - Part 1. I wanted to talk about my experience with anxiety after my car accident. I've always been a worry wart, but about 4 years after my accident, anxiety hit me hard. After countless therapy sessions and some reframes, I'm finally in a good place. I wanted to share the steps I use when anxiety starts to set in, especially for anyone that has experienced trauma.

Here's a quick recap of my first few steps from last week:
1.) Understand the root of your fear so you can start to move forward
2.) Remind yourself you're safe
3.) What are your triggers?

As I mentioned, my anxiety involved catastrophic thoughts. I was in worst case scenario mode 24/7. Not only did I have to remind myself that I was safe, but I also had to remind myself how catastrophic these thoughts were. Yes I could get shot tomorrow, but the chances of being in the wrong place at the wrong time at that exact moment was slim. 

While telling myself that my thoughts were catastrophic, I would take deep breaths. Bringing yourself back to a state of relaxation is incredibly important. Luckily, it only takes 2 minutes to get your body back to a state of relaxation. This can be done through breathing. After a few minutes of focusing on my breathe, I felt more in control. 

The last thing I would do when I was feeling anxious was to distract myself. I'm a sucker for watching Friends or The Office on repeat. Those shows are my go-to's; they always put me in a good mood. When anxiety kicked in, I would turn on one of those shows and just let my mind take a break from the world. I use this method more now when I'm feeling overwhelmed with work and I just need an easy fix .

The biggest lesson I learned when dealing with anxiety, was that I needed to relinquish control. It made sense that I was having catastrophic thoughts because my accident was so random, but it was out of my control. I felt like I needed to be in control of everything. At the time, I was not a very go with the flow kind of gal. I would avoid events that could potentially cause something catastrophic to happen. That was my way of "controlling" life. I really had to learn to let go of the idea that I can control everything. I can't control life and death. I can't control if I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time. What will be will be. 

Remember that everyone's anxiety is different. There are people that will be able to relate to this blog, and some may not. It took me about 6 months of seeing a therapist regularly to get to where I am today. I don't suffer from anxiety anymore. I do think I still have some anxious tendencies, but with these methods that I've described, I know how to handle anxious thoughts that come my way. If you have the chance to go speak with someone I strongly recommend it. Seeing my therapist totally changed my life, and I still go to her because I think it's important talk things through with someone who isn't involved in your life. 

"Ugly woman"
"So because you have scars, it means you're suddenly strong? God some people are such a joke lol."
**If you haven't seen my post about the hashtag I started #scarredandstronger, you can find it here. It may help give a bit of context to my blog below. 

Those comments above are just a few of the not so nice comments I received after I posted this photo the other day on my Instagram. It got over 4,500 likes which still baffles me, some of the nicest comments and messages from complete strangers, with a few not so nice remarks.

Now, I want to talk about this, because my scars are actually the reason I became a Body Positive Coach. I struggled with them for so many years, in FEAR that people would say things like this to me. Now, this never really happened in my situation. Yes, I did have people stare at them, but no one blatantly came up to me and said something nasty. But when you put yourself out there on social media apparently that's bound to happen. 

I ended up blocking both of these guys, just because I didn't want them to be able to contact me at all. Unfortunately comments delete when you block someone. (That may seem incredibly obvious but I've never blocked anyone; I'm new to this!) I was actually upset that those comments deleted. As positive of a page I'm trying to promote, I think it's important to share that when you put yourself out there and show your scars, internal or external, sometimes it might not be such a positive experience. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel anything when I read those two comments. The "ugly woman" one confused me; he left a few comments after and he was a bit all over the place. The one about how I'm essentially a joke pissed me off. Maybe if the guy read into my story and learned that I fractured my f****** neck, am not only lucky to be alive but lucky to walk, then maybe he wouldn't call me a joke. 

I wanted to write about these comments because when you're someone that has an experience anyway similar to mine (and yes I know there are lots of you because I've connected with you!), there is a strong probability something like this may very well happen. But don't let that deter you from putting yourself out there! Don't let those shitty people win.

So here's what I remind myself when comments like this come up. Some people just SUCK. Yes, they suck. Many out there are great and the nicest people ever, but you need to remember that some people are going to intentionally say shitty things that are meant to hurt your feelings. Those people are the reason why many feel shame and embarrassment from scars on their body, scars internally, injuries they've had or trauma they've experienced. I mean hey, it's why I did for years. I was in fear that I would receive some comment like that.

From coaching I've become really intuitive and have a stronger understanding about why people do the things that they do or say the things they say. Those people that say shitty things like that, deep down, are unhappy in some way in their own life. Whether they would admit it or not it's true. When people don't like something about someone, it's because that person is a mirror some way in their own life. For example, that guy that told me I'm a joke, that comment would usually make someone feel shame. I can assure you that guy is experiencing shame in some aspect of his life.(A lot of us do) Or the guy that told me I'm an ugly woman, maybe he feels like he is an ugly person in some way, whether it is physically or internally. 

My top tips on how to deal:
1.) Remember that not everyone will be nice

2.) Remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you, and more to do about that person. They are unhappy with their life in some way and they are trying to make themselves feel better, stronger, more secure etc.

3.) Try and talk to someone that will GET what you're going through - this one is HARD. Family and friends are definitely a good outlet, but sometimes they don't always know what to say (unless they have a similar experience too). If possible, try and find people that you can talk to that have experienced something similar in their lives. Finding someone that understands what you're going through will really help. If you ever need me to be that person shoot me an email and let's talk some more. 

I'm sure I will touch on this topic again so stay tuned. And remember you're #scarredandSTRONGER!  

Next up on my interview is a friend of mine, Joanne (gofitjo). I met Jo over a year ago and immediately was drawn to her I got this mentality. I remember being at Wanderlust with Jo, asking her questions about how she got into her fitness journey. She was totally open and told me the story (you can find in the interview below), which really made me feel more connected to her. We had only met a few times, but I loved that she just laid it all out there. If you follow her on Instagram, you know that Jo is honest and open about the shit she is experiencing. (I've shed a few tears during her Instagram stories!) 

I'm so grateful she said yes to being part of my influencer blog series and am so excited to share her interview.

Can you tell us the story of Jo. How has your relationship with your body and with yourself evolved? 
The story of Jo can be a long one so I’ll try to keep it short and sweet! I became a mother at 21, which alongside with all the other challenges that motherhood and parenting have, comes the challenges of facing your body changing due to your pregnancy. I was like most women who undergo their first pregnancy. I rubbed all the creams and oils to try to keep my skin elastic through the changes of my body while my first was growing within me. My sister and mother didn’t have stretch marks so I thought I’d probably have the same luck. I remember the first time I saw them, I was in my final weeks of my pregnancy and I saw them after coming out of the shower. “SHIT!” I thought to myself, “I’ve got stretch marks!” My body didn’t concern me in the first year of being a new mom. I was more concerned about keeping my baby alive and making sure I had enough sleep as well as building my clientele as a new hairstylist. But as the years passed I realized my body wasn’t changing. To some degree I felt as if this young youthful body I was supposed to have in my 20s was taken from me because of early motherhood. Don’t get me wrong I’m so grateful for my kids, but having a child at 21 was definitely not in my plans. We made it work and our life is amazing because of it. 

My husband and I got married and had our 2nd daughter. Life was grand, I “had it all”. A new career, a home over our head, a new dog, a husband, and two wonderful kids. However I was living in and out of depression for 18 months not understanding why. Until one day my eldest daughter and I were getting ready in her room and she said to me, “Mom, you’re so beautiful.” I quickly answered the same way girlfriends would talk to each other in a dressing room trying on clothes, “No I’m not. I’m ugly and fat.” The look on her face is one I’ll never forget. She turned and left the room. I had robbed every ounce of truth that she knew of this woman that in her eyes was a queen. It was that moment that I had realized I wasn’t happy with the person I was becoming. I was consumed with work, our photography business, and raising a family that I had forgotten to take care of myself, my mental and physical health, and quickly became out of shape. I wasn’t terribly overweight, but I was so out of shape that I couldn’t run after Olivia at the park who was two and a half at the time. 

The relationship I have with my body is constantly evolving and growing. When I first started my fitness journey I said to myself that I wanted to become the healthiest version of me in my 30s both mind and body. This was the first time I had committed to a fitness goal that wasn’t defined by a number. In the past I would make goals around events like a vacation, my wedding, or to simply lose the 15lbs post baby weight. Those never seemed to work long term for me because I’d always find myself back and square one minus a few steps. I dedicated a lot of time and energy into my fitness journey the first 12 weeks. I was exhausted but so happy and thrilled that I was finally seeing and feeling results. I felt strong and I felt the best I had felt in a long time. I then went on to compete in several body building competitions because I thought to myself, “If I was able to do accomplish a goal I never thought I could, what would happen if I dedicated more energy into it, where could I go then?” This was pretty crazy for me because what it meant was me being judged by my aesthetics and physique on stage amongst other women while being tanned, glazed, and in an itty bitty bikini. Bikinis since I was 21 was a HARD NO for me because of the stretch marks. But something deep inside me wanted to see if I could overcome the fear and judgement I placed on myself.

In the past 4 years I’ve seen my body go through so many changes. From being heavy and overweight to being 14% body fat and leaner than I’ve been in my entire life. I’ve had to overcome recovery from surgery, shoulder injuries from work and stress, and learning how to break away from exercise addiction. In each stage I’ve had to learn to love my body in that present moment whether I was at my best aesthetically or feeling like I was in a major setback. Finding joy in each part has been the biggest learning lesson.

Could you talk about your stretch marks on your stomach? How did you start to embrace them? 
For over 11 years I hated looking at them. Even during my fitness journey I thought to myself, “I’m working so hard in the gym, focusing on my nutrition as much as I can, and I’m still never going to look like some of these BBG moms who have perfect #morningabs.” Even during my competition training my abs were never as defined as others.  My youngest daughter Olivia is the curious one. She speaks her mind, her feelings, and just wants to know everything in the world! It’s really quite incredible to be around her. One day as I was getting ready in my bathroom she came up to me and asked “Mommy, what are these marks?” referring to my stretch marks. I replied, “I got them from you and your sister, I call them my strength marks.” She replied, “Will they ever go away?”. I said, “No, baby they wont. They are my reminder to keep going for you and your sister. To never give up on my dreams because you’re watching.” That was when I finally embraced them. As the words came out of my mouth that day, I felt healing beginning to happen in my heart. 

In life, we are surrounded by messages from the media and diet culture that we aren’t good enough. How do you navigate your way through those negative messages yourself? Does this impact how you parent? 
To be honest, this one is a tough one. Trying to shut out the noise from media and diet culture can be super difficult especially as its shoved in our faces left and right through social media and traditional media outlets. I do feel that the message of body positivity, self love, self acceptance, and beauty standards are changing. You see so many of this movement happening online, in magazines, and even in major apparel brands. It’s such an amazing sight to see. However there are still moments where I don’t feel like I’m enough. They are few and far between but it does happen. When I’m going through something like that I face it head on. I ask myself why am I feeling this in the first place and almost go down a quick checklist of things to ask myself.

• Did I workout today?
• How has my nutrition been?
• Outside of food and exercise, how am I fueling other areas in my life that are important to me?
• Is it that time of the month?
• What was the trigger that brought this on? Can I avoid it in the future?

As a parent who is also coined a “social media influencer”, surprisingly enough my teenage daughter does not have social media. She has a private YouTube channel where she uploads all her video projects and drawing projects however we place a bit of tight rules on how she navigates through there. I’ve seen a lot of positive from social media, its how you and I met and the reason why I’m interviewed on this blog, however I’ve also been a witness to the negative impacts of it such as self esteem and self confidence issues. My professional background is on building both online and offline communities so a lot of the concerns about mental and social impact were taken into consideration when forming these communities considering the average age of people using social media happens to be between 13-24. In my household, we talk about it constantly. We talk about what likes, followers, comments mean to my daughter and how she would react if she sees something negative or it causes a negative reaction within her. We’re a very transparent household and open communication has been our lifeline.  

How do you combat negative self talk these days? 
I try to shut it down as quickly as I can, but most important I refer to 5 self affirmations I wrote earlier this year when I need to lift my self up. In addition to trying to shut it down as quickly as I can, I pull back and do some self-distancing especially from what’s causing it in the first place.  

What do you do for self-love? 
Almost everything I do is a form of self love to a certain degree. The moment I became a mom I realized that my life was no longer fully mine. I had to share it with others who needed me most, but as I mentioned in earlier I never valued caring for myself until several years ago. I see forms of self love in how I put myself personal needs first. Training, eating whole nutritious foods, journaling, taking a bath, complimenting myself, and spending time with the people I cherish are all forms of self love for me. I always say, if it does not serve your purpose or give you joy it has no place in your daily life. This is a hard practice because I know we as humans want connection and to create a loving space for every single person, experience, or thing that come along our way, but the truth is until we figure out what we need to provide us joy, we can’t take other things in. Other things I do for self-love is daily journaling of my intentions for the day and the things I’m grateful for. I never realized the importance of this until recently. It’s been so nourishing and vital to my mental health. 

What’s the most important thing you’ve learned about how you feel about your body that you would want to share with your daughters?
I would want them to know that fitness is not about the perfect body. It’s about overcoming insecurities, gaining confidence, and inner strength to face our biggest fears. I’d like them to know that their bodies will under go change at every season, learn to love it and learn to befriend it. We are the only ones who can push ourselves to better our lives, other people can be inspirations, but that’s about as much as they can be. Within us is the power to make a change in our lives. YOU GOT THIS! 

If you don't follow Jo, go check her out at gofitjo. Thanks so much for being part of this series Jo! Always appreciate your love and support!